About this episode: “You don’t say I love you. You don’t give your mom a hug at the end of the day. Like I feel really awkward doing that. And it’s something that I tried to change at some point in my life. But I think my mom didn’t feel comfortable with it as well when I started to try hugging her and saying things. So I kind of stopped… Oh my gosh, have you ever said “Aishiteru” to your family? ” asks Natsumi, a Japanese woman living in Japan. We’re going to get super intimate and talk about host Kaho Koda’s relationship with her mom and how the Japanese family expresses love.

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Transcript

INTRO

Natsumi: You don’t say I love you. You don’t give your mom a hug at the end of the day. Like I feel really awkward doing that. And it’s something that I tried to change at some point in my life. But I think my mom didn’t feel comfortable with it as well when I started to try hugging her and say things. So I kind of stopped… Oh my gosh, have you ever said “Aishiteru” to your family? 

Kaho Koda: Every episode, we unpack controversial opinions about the Japanese mindset, culture, and custom. 

Today’s controversial statement explores love in the Japanese family. 

From Human Burrito Productions, I’m your host Kaho Koda, and this is / ‘Controversial Japan’. 

THE STORY

Natsumi: Oh my gosh, have you ever said “Aishiteru” to your family? 

Kaho Koda:「愛してる」 It means “I love you”. Natsumi, a Japanese woman, asks me if I’ve ever said “I love you” to my family. In other words, if I’ve verbally expressed my love towards my family. 

Yeah. I always say “I love you” to my parents and give them a hug. I don’t use the phrase 「愛してる」because it’s a heavy phrase. Instead, I use the phrase 「大好きだよ」 – it’s the same translation in English, meaning “I love you” but it’s more casual than 「愛してる」It’s lighter.

Going back to Natsumi’s question.. 

Natsumi: Oh my gosh, have you ever said “Aishiteru” to your family? 

Kaho Koda: I rarely use the phrase 「愛してる」but ya, I say the lighter version 「大好きだよ」and give my parents a big hug. 

Is there reciprocity? As in, do my parents say “I love you” back and hug me?  No… um, not really. it’s complicated… 

Saying “I love you” out loud is such a direct expression of love. And it’s something that the typical Japanese family just won’t do. If you grew up in a western household, you’re probably confused. Don’t worry, I’ll explain.

Today I want to share something very personal. I want to tell you a story about my family. My relationship with my mom, to be exact. So that I can explain what ‘love’ looks like in a Japanese family.

The first time I lived apart from my family was when I started my bachelor’s degree in Montreal, Canada. I was pursuing a theatre degree. Day and night, my focus was on theatre. And my decision to work in the theatre industry created friction within my family. Like any parent who had a kid aspiring to make it in the arts, they were worried. 

Back home in Japan, my Japanese friends were in the midst of 就活, ‘job hunting’. It’s a very important time for third and fourth years in university because it’s the time to sign a job contract before graduation. That’s the Japanese way. Many many graduates have a job lined up before graduation and if you don’t… Well, there is no “if you don’t”. You simply need to have a job lined up. Social pressure. 

As for me… I was not job hunting in my third year.. And my parents were worried. So worried that every phone call, my mom would always say things like:

“When are you going to start looking for a real job?”

“Maybe you should come home. You speak English – that’s a huge asset in Japan!”

I rebelled. I moved to Toronto and I continued working on theatre projects. And eventually, I wrote a play. 

My first original play that I wrote, directed, and produced was called “Decaying Tongue”. And my mom decided to fly in from Japan to see this show staged in Toronto. I was extremely nervous for her to see my play. 

Why? 

Well firstly, my mom is a critic. Decaying Tongue was my first creation. It was my vision, my world, my art…. Which puts me in a very vulnerable place. If this piece sucked, believe me, she would let me know. 

That’s the thing with my mom. She’s honest with me. She’s seen me in high school plays and musicals. There were never words of praise or encouragement. Rather she said, 「自己満でいいんじゃない？」as in, “If you’re satisfied, that’s fine”. 

So yeah, if this play “sucks”, “not good enough”, or “okay”, she’ll simply tell me. 

Secondly… ahhhhh, she was a character in this play. Okay, to be fair, I did not anticipate my mom flying in to see the actual piece when I wrote it. 

This play is semi-autobiographical with elements of fiction. It’s a story about Aya, a Japanese woman, who grew up in both Japan and North America. She struggles with her cultural identity and eventually learns to accept herself. 

There’s a scene where the mother character and main character clearly do not understand each others’ ways of expressing love. There’s a scene on the balcony where the two share a moment looking towards Mount Fuji where they connect and understand each other. And this Mount Fuji scene is an actual moment I shared with my mom. 

I had no idea how my mom was going to respond to all of this. She’s critical, she’s part of the play, and she’s seeing my creation for the first time. 

Will she say I’m not good enough? Will she tell me to start looking for a serious job again? Will she say anything? Hard to say. 

Her reaction after the show surprised me…She was in tears. Not just watery eyes – she was actually sobbing with a tissue in her hand. No words. She kept dabbing tissues into her eyes with a red face. 

She saw this play three times during her stay in Toronto. And every time, she cried. A little less than the time before, but she still needed a tissue.

And as we spent time together during her visit, I noticed something change. 

She stopped asking me what I was doing with my life, if I would ever find a stable job that had a good pay. She stopped saying I needed to buckle down and get serious.

Instead, she started asking what was next. If I wanted to focus on pursuing a career as a writer or a director. If I would ever write a play in Japanese. She asked if I had an idea for my next play… 

When I noticed that change, I knew. Oh, she’s proud of me. She enjoyed my play. And I felt her love. 

But again, there were no words of encouragement from my mom. No “I’m proud of you” or “You’re doing great” or “I love you”. Never words of affirmation. But she saw how serious I was, and she finally understood. So she started asking supportive questions. 

I knew she was being supportive and loving because that’s the Japanese way of showing love and affection. 

Actions. Instead of words. 

Let’s go back to Natsumi’s quote again. You heard this at the beginning of the episode. 

Natsumi: You don’t say I love you. You don’t give your mom a hug at the end of the day. Like I feel really awkward doing that. And it’s something that I tried to change at some point in my life. But I think my mom didn’t feel comfortable with it as well when I started to try hugging her and saying things. So I kind of stopped… Oh my gosh, have you ever said “Aishiteru” to your family? 

Kaho Koda: Today, we’re going to look at how the Japanese family expresses love. Just to note, today’s about the Japanese family. I won’t be going into romantic relationships or friendships. That will be for another time.

I talked to many Japanese individuals for this podcast and the following is what the majority told me. It makes them feel awkward and cringe just thinking about saying “I love you”. They preferred showing love indirectly through actions. 

Of course not everyone feels that way. Some are happy to hug and say “I love you”. But before we go there, let’s focus on Natsumi and many other Japanese individuals who would rather avoid saying “I love you”. 

Right after the break. 

Controversial Japan is made possible by you, the listener! At our Human Burrito webshop, we sell t-shirts, hoodies, tote bags, and many other items. And if you were intrigued by the concept of Decaying Tongue, the full script is available as an e-book! Go to shop.humanburrito.com and you can download the play. All the proceeds on the webshop go to the cost of this production and the designers that create this show. Buy and support at shop.humanburrito.com!

THE MAJORITY’S RESPONSE

Kaho Koda: Okay, let’s look at the majority’s response. The reaction, ‘I feel awkward saying “I love you” to my family’.

Eri is one of many Japanese individuals who feel that way. She’s a Japanese woman who was raised in South Korea, Malaysia and Japan, and so she has an international mindset. 

When I asked how she expresses love towards her family, she separated her family into two categories: her sister and her parents. 

Her sister, like Eri herself, grew up internationally and so, she speaks English. 

Eri: My sister and I, we express it probably through words. And also maybe we hug. And we both agreed that we cannot do this in Japanese. Whenever we talk about emotional things, or whenever we wanna feel closer to our hearts, we do this in English. And then at the very end or in the middle, we’ll laugh about how we’re doing this in English. We’re like “hahaha we’re doing this in English again.” “Yeah, you know it’s a bit difficult to do this in Japanese, right?” “Yeah yeah yeah.” 

Kaho Koda: Why is it weird to do that in Japanese?

Eri: It’s not really in the culture. You don’t say stuff like “I’m proud of you” or “I believe in you” or… It’s just not really a thing in Japan. And also one of the most important things that I have in my life is… I want to have the courage to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is very important in my life. But even the concept itself. Even if someone asks me “What do you think is important?” I cannot answer this in Japanese because we don’t have the same word for it. 

Kaho Koda: Eri is saying that whenever she wants to be vulnerable, talk about her feelings, or display affection, she defaults to English. 

“I’m proud of you” – the sentence does technically exist in Japanese. It would be 「私はあなたを誇りに思う。」But wooof, that’s a very very heavy sentence just like how 「愛してる」- meaning “I love you” is a heavy phrase. 

I imagine a parent talking to a child on his or her deathbed. The point I’m trying to make is… it’s just not common or natural to say the phrase「私はあなたを誇りに思う」, I’m proud of you, in an everyday conversation. Maybe not even on your deathbed… 

Eri and her sister have the ability to speak in English. And English allows them to be direct and vulnerable. Since it’s so normal to say “I love you” in English, why go through all the awkwardness and speak in Japanese? English it is!

Next, she moved onto the other category: her parents. 

Eri: I would write“I love you”.  

Kaho Koda: What about saying “I love you” face to face? 

Eri: Yeah, no not even. Not even「大好き」I don’t think I can say that… I don’t even want to think about it. It’s a bit cringy and also I know they won’t know how to respond. 

And I also know the reaction of.. You know when you try to hug a Japanese person, they give you this slight awkward tap on the back. They don’t wanna be rude and they don’t want the other person to feel uncomfortable so they have this perfect smile, but it’s fake. I know that I’m gonna get this reaction.

Let’s say I say this to my dad like “I love you dad” or 「パパ大好き」something like that. In a more joking way I can imagine but if I say “I love you dad” more so 「愛してる」,he would give me this reaction that he would give if a foreigner tries to hug him. It’s not just for the sake of my own discomfort. But I think my discomfort is shaped around the fact that I’m going to make the other person uncomfortable. And they’re not gonna know how to respond.  

Kaho Koda: Her sister speaks English and has an international mindset like Eri. It doesn’t work the same with her parents because they only interact with each other in Japanese. She doesn’t want to hug her parents. She’ll go as far as writing “I love you” on a birthday card, but that’s it. Nothing more direct than that.

So how does she express love to her parents? 

Eri: Simply listening to them when they want to talk. When they have a bad day, listen to their rants. Maybe helping out with chores. Cooking something for them. Actions. 

It’s hard….This is interesting…. Because there’s so many ways that I show love, for example for my boyfriend, or for my sister. And for my friends. They’re all international with an open mindset. I would write letters. I would literally write what I like about them or what I appreciate about them. I would give them little gifts. I would hug, I would be there for them. I would hold their hand… Oh my god, I can’t really think about how it is with my mom and dad.

Kaho Koda: And Eri was not the only one who gave me a perplexed look when I posed this question about expressing love. Satoshi is another Japanese individual who had a difficult time answering the question. 

Satoshi is a 48 year old Japanese man who has always lived in Japan. And when I asked him the same question, there was a long silence before he started talking. 

Satoshi: もう僕の両親ももう結構な年なので。二人とも老後を。。

Kaho Koda: After a long silence, Satoshi explained that his parents are quite old. And that they are spending their pensioned days together in peace. They live quite nearby, 15 minutes away by bike from where he lives. So he gets to see them a couple times a week. 

Satoshi admires other cultures that get to express love in such a direct way, but that’s not how it is with his own family. Or other families around him. He acknowledges that maybe it’s because he’s never thought about it in the first place. 

For him, showing love is caring about how they’re doing. He’ll ask them questions like, “Are you eating okay?” or “Is everything good?”. 

He added that saying “I love you” is embarrassing for him. 

Satoshi: 変に気にしすぎると気持ち悪いと思うんですよね、両親も。

Kaho Koda: And that showing that he cares makes him a little uncomfortable. “Personally, watching them from a certain distance is the best way – for me anyway” 

He used the phrase 気持ち悪い. It means “Uncomfortable”, “disgusting”, “creepy” depending on the context. Eri, the Japanese woman who differentiated her sister and her parents, used the word “cringe” when she imagined saying “I love you” to her parents.

Cringe. Uncomfortable. Creepy. Disgusting. 

It was interesting to hear Satoshi and Eri, these two Japanese individuals with such different backgrounds, use these terms because my mom says the exact same thing. 

Whenever I say “I love you”, my mom’s response is “you’re being gross”. 

She once told me that saying “I love you” too frequently and out loud, made it seem like I was trying to convince myself that I loved her. So she thinks I’m being gross. It makes her feel uncomfortable.

My play “Decaying Tongue” that my mom flew out to see has a scene that illustrates how my mom and the majority of the Japanese feel about expressing love. 

The Mount Fuji scene. I made this scene the focal point of the play. It’s a monologue by one of the main characters towards the end of the story. 

Let me set the scene.

Aya, played by Sachi Lovatt, has decided to conceal her Japanese identity at this point of the story. She decided to prioritize her western identity because that’s more convenient living in the western world. In this scene, Aya is on a date with Matt. It’s their first date. And as they small talk, Matt asks what her favourite memory is. 

Here is a dramatic reading of the monologue by Sachi Lovatt. 

Sachi Lovatt: Well.. Let’s see. I don’t know if this would count, but Mount Fuji holds a special place in my heart. In any heart of the Japanese, I would say. The beautiful symmetrical mountain covered in snow. When the weather’s nice I can see it from my parent’s condo. Apparently, a condo unit that can see Mount Fuji from it has more value than otherwise. It’s weird how everyone gets excited just to see this mountain. When I was on the 新幹線, the bullet train one time, the train conductor made an announcement saying “after we exit this tunnel, you will see Mount Fuji on the right hand side.” And everyone took out their phones and cameras! As a Japanese person, it’s always been there, but every time you see it, it’s just – Anyways, my mom always hangs laundry on the balcony to dry and she would sometimes spot Mount Fuji in the distance. 

Kaho Koda: Aya is sucked into her memory.

Sachi Lovatt: Right there in the west. She rushes back inside and calls my name.  「彩、富士山！」“Aya, it’s Mount Fuji!” I follow her to the balcony, but there’s only one pair of sandals. So Mom gives me her right foot sandal and we both hop out on one leg. We face Mount Fuji and there she is, the almighty right in front of us. Quite far, we are in Tokyo after all. And Mount Fuji is in Shizuoka. But it’s a crisp spring morning and the outline of the mountain is so clear. It’s just magnificent. We stand there for a while on one leg leaning against each other for balance. Mom is close, right next to me. And so I put my arms around her. She doesn’t say anything, but lets me hug her for a bit. She won’t say “I love you” or hug me back. She just untangles my arms and says, 「買い物行かなきゃ」 “I gotta go do groceries” and hops back inside. 

She got quite upset once when I asked her why she never says “I love you”. She said, “My actions mean nothing to you?” and walked away.  

It’s the action that counts. Love is in the actions. When I do the dishes for her. When she makes me food. When I hold her heavy grocery bags. When I teach her new English words. The unspoken actions are so much stronger than repeating “I love you”. And it’s not just love that’s unspoken. It’s the gratitude. The love for nature. The prayers. The late night drinks with Dad without much conversation. Actions speak louder than words. She knew that all along and I had forgotten…

Kaho Koda: Words are pointless. Take action instead. 

The general consensus is this: Showing direct affection to your family, saying I love you and hugging, all those things make both parties uncomfortable. So don’t do it. Show your love through actions and actually care for them instead. 

You might wonder, why do the Japanese prefer actions instead of verbal ‘I love you’s? One explanation is that there’s the idea of beauty in not saying too much. The silence. Silence is beautiful.

Recently the word “zen” has been floating around. It’s everywhere. In wellness websites, magazines, instagram, daily conversation…. I hear the word ‘zen’ used so casually and frequently amongst my North American peers more so than in Japan. According to the dictionary, “zen aims at enlightenment by direct intuition through meditation”. 

Meditating to find your inner peace. 

The Japanese culture finds virtue in the unspoken. The silence. The atmosphere. What’s left unsaid. There’s beauty there. It’s peaceful. Don’t mask the silence with meaningless words. Do something instead. And let the action speak for itself. 

So imagine a particular someone (i.e. me ) repeatedly saying “I love you” to my mom…

Mom, I love youuuu. Mom! I love you! I love you… I love you mom! 

It’s too much. It’s uncomfortable. Where is the beautiful silence? 

Saying “I love you” in a Japanese family can be uncomfortable. So people like Natsumi, Eri, and Satoshi, avoid that form of expression. They show love through their actions. 

But there are certain Japanese people who want to verbally express their love, despite the discomfort. Like me! And others as well. Let’s look into that next. 

MINORITY’S RESPONSE

Kaho Koda: On the contrary to Japanese people who find it difficult to express love directly and verbally to their families, there are of course other Japanese individuals who are accustomed to it. 

Ayumi is one of them. She is a Japanese woman who studies illustration in London. She usually goes to school in London, but due to the pandemic, she was back with her family in Japan at the time of this interview.  

Ayumi: 私の家族はね、びっくりされるけどする方！

Kaho Koda: When I asked her how she expresses love towards her family, Ayumi said it’s normal for her to say “i love you” and say comments like “You look cute today” to her mom. She even hugs her. She acknowledged that she knows that people around her are quite surprised when they hear that. 

One time, she mentioned it as part of her introduction at one of her Japanese university seminars, knowing that it’s quite unusual. She told her peers that her family hugs and everyone was surprised. It was such a unique detail that her professor remembered her because of it. 

Safe to say that hugging and saying ‘I love you’ with your family makes you unique in Japan. It’s just not that common…

I wondered if this was because Ayumi has lived abroad in the US, Canada, and the UK. She’s seen the western way of displaying affection, so I asked her if that was the reason why she expressed love so directly. 

Ayumi: そうね、今考えれば小さい頃から父親が。。。

Kaho Koda: She said it’s been the norm since her childhood. Her dad says things like “かわいい” meaning “You’re cute” to her mom. She was influenced by her dad who shows affection directly and verbally. So no, she was not influenced by her time living abroad. 

On the contrary to Ayumi, I talked to someone who was influenced by living abroad. 

Misora. She’s a Japanese woman living in Tokyo.

Misora: えっと、それが私がテキサスの留学に行く前と後で全然変わった。。

Kaho Koda: She said that how she shows love towards her family changed drastically after she studied abroad in Texas for a year. Before, they were “ a normal Japanese family”. That means there were never direct expressions of love. No I love you’s or hugs. Her parents never said it and she never said it. Never questioned it. 

But then… she spent a year in Texas where she lived with an American host family. ‘I love you’ was just everywhere. Heading out to school in the morning, her host mother would hug and kiss and say “I love you” to everyone. “I love you” replaced phrases like “take care” and “have a good day”. 

From Misora’s point of view, from someone who never said “I love you” in Japan, it felt like they used the term so lightly. So casually.

And she loved it. She thought it was lovely. So when she moved back to Japan, back to her family, she wanted to continue the “I love you”s and hugs… but in Japanese and to her own family. 

But not too frequently, no. Occasionally. When her family does something nice for her, she makes sure to say “Thank you” and “I love you”. She also hugs her family when they make her very happy. 

How did her family take this change? 

Misora: 最初めっちゃびっくりしてた。え？？ってなってた。

Kaho Koda: Her family was very surprised at first. Especially the hugging. They let her hug them, but it was clear they didn’t really know how to respond. But now, they see her as someone who likes hugs. And they respond positively and accept her verbal love. 

TAKE AWAY

Natsumi: You don’t say I love you. You don’t give your mom a hug at the end of the day. Like I feel really awkward doing that. And it’s something that I tried to change at some point in my life. But I think my mom didn’t feel comfortable with it as well when I started to try hugging her and say things. So I kind of stopped… Oh my gosh, have you ever said “Aishiteru” to your family? 

Kaho Koda: Some Japanese individuals, like Natsumi here, don’t want to make their family uncomfortable by expressing love too directly. That’s considerate. That’s love. 

And others (like Misora and I) disregard that discomfort and express love directly anyway. That’s also love. Maybe because I want my mom to accept and love my newly formed Western ways as well? Maybe?

My mom stayed with us for 5 days in Toronto. And she saw the show 3 times. 

At the end of her trip, my boyfriend and I dropped her off at the airport. As we said our goodbyes at the gate, I hugged her. She hugged me back. 

And then she said “I love you” in English. It was the first time in forever that she said it out loud. It was in English, but still.

To balance out my surprise and happiness, I looked toward my boyfriend and joked “OH MY GOD SHE SAID I LOVE YOU” 

She smiled and I smiled. We hugged some more and then she disappeared past security. 

It’s a stretch to conclude that she’s fine with me saying the frequent “I love you”s. But every time I’m back home and she tells me to come out to the balcony to look at Mount Fuji with her, I know she loves me and that’s more than enough. 

Mom, if you’re listening to this episode, I love you. 大好きだよ。愛してるよ。 I hope I can visit you soon when international travel is possible again. 

CREDITS

Kaho Koda: Controversial Japan is produced by Human Burrito Productions. 

We interviewed Ayumi Yanagi, Misora Yamaya, Natsumi Funabiki, Satoshi, and other anonymous individuals for this episode.

Dramatic reading of Decaying Tongue by Sachi Lovatt and the tunes from Decaying Tongue were created by Dillpreet Saund. 

Our sound designer is Junan and you can listen to more of her tunes on spotify. Our theme song, ‘Coast to Coast’ is by Mikara and you can also check out her music via Spotify. Artwork by Macie Matthews, you can see more of Macie’s design on her website maciematthews.com

Technical support by Rutger Wink.

If you’d like to support our podcast by purchasing our merch – designed by the talented Macie Matthews who also created our podcast cover, visit our webstore: shop.humanburrito.com. We have a lot of cute things like tote bags and t-shirts. 

Check out our website for more info at humanburrito.com and if you’d like to send us a message, you can email us at humanburritoproductions@gmail.com . 

We’ll be back with more controversial opinions about Japan. Till next time.